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A collection of some of the funniest quotes from A Very Potter Sequel, sorted by character.

Harry Potter

"Sir, you gotta help me. I just ran away from home from my mean aunt and uncle. They keep me under some stairs. Listen, you've gotta believe me. I got this letter from Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Sir, listen, please! A bird gave it to me!" (Act 1, Part 2)

Ron: Where have you been all my life!? Harry: Oh, in a cupboard under some stairs. (Act 1, Part 2)

"I was in the car with my parents when we crashed...into a crocodile. My parents got eaten but then the crocodile took out a knife and gave me this scar. At least, that's what my liar aunt and uncle told me, so..." (Act 1, Part 2)

Neville: Would you sign my Harry Potter poster, Mr. Potter? Harry: Yeah, sure. Who should I make it out to?" Neville: Neville Longbottom, sir. Harry: Okay, schlongbottom. *Group laughter* (Act 1, Part 2)

"You were telling me to sit on a knife..." (Act 1, Part 9)

"In the Muggle world, I'm just a...I'm something called a douchebag. I play guitar when everybody just wants to hang out, and I make weird covers of Disney songs...who does that? See, Muggles hate that shit. To them I'm just a douchebag. I'm like Jesse McCartney. I'm Jesse McCartney's douche." (Act 1, Part 12)

"Oh cool, I was thinking about me too." (Act 2, Part 1)

"Oh my God, who is that? I think I'm in love!" (Act 2, Part 10)

"Totally, the best class by far is satanic rituals."

"For 11 years I was a Muggle douchebag living under some stairs. This year I found out I'm a wizard, and I'm famous. I can fly and turn invisible...and I just traveled the f*** back in time! So f*** you, Draco. How's that for a happy thought? 'Cause there is absolutely no way that there's no way, you hear me?" (Act 2, Part 10)

Ron Weasley

Ron: Favorite Aimee Mann song on three. One, two, three...
Harry and Ron: Red Vines.
Harry: Favorite color of vines, other than green.
Harry and Ron: Red Vines.
Ron: Favorite way to say 'red wines' in a German accent.
Harry and Ron: Red Vines. OH MY GOD! *bro hug* (Act 1, Part 2)

Ron: Hey, what flavor did you get?
Harry: Broken computer.
Ron: Gross! I don't even remember the last time I got a candy flavored one. *chews candy*
Harry: What flavor did you get? Ron: *facial expression drastically changes* Defeat. Well, I give up on these.

"I will be...after a Red Vine." (Act 1, Part 12)

"I'm like Shia LaBeouf...the Prince Douche." (Act 1, Part 12)

"...or cool, like Snape." (Act 1, Part 12)

"They say that when it takes off, even the wizard God Himself can't follow." (Act 1, Part 14)

"I see myself in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Hermione's turning into a blueberry and I want to eat her." (Act 1, Part 15)

"Take this you bastard - ALOHOMORA! *door opens* *Ron runs and closes it* (Act 1, Part 15)

"You have a poop nose now!" (Act 2, Part 6)

"It's stuck on there with magic." (Act 2, Part 7)

"Oh, us? We're the back-up Death-Eaters. The union sent us over." (Act 2, Part 7)

"Oh, uh... Looks like they got a Taylor Lautner poster in here too, huh?" (Act 2, Part 8)

"Red Vines - what the hell can't they do?" (Act 2, Part 8)

Hermione Granger

"I'm not a night troll! I'm a little girl." (Act 1, Part 3)

"Did you know over 600 house elves die in toilet related incidents every year?" (Act 1, Part 3)

Hermione: Uh, Jellylegs Jinx! Sirius: Unjellify! Hermione: Harry he's too much for us! (Act 1, Part 15)

"That's exactly just what Umbridge wants! She wants us to eat each other to survive!" (Act 2, Part 1)

"I see myself turning into Cho Chang, y'all..."

"And I think that we- I mean the elves"

Draco Malfoy

"Well you must be Harry Potter, the famous bastard." (Act 1, Part 5)

"My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist, I despise gingers and mudbloods, I hate Gryffindor house, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend?" (Act 1, Part 5)

"Hey Potter. Hey, Potter. Potter. Potter. I drew a picture of you." (Act 1, Part 8)

"Pay special attention to the shading on your sweater; it's rather good. It's actually quite good. It's probably the best I've ever done. Actually... can I have that back? Wait, no... I'm taking it! What do you think of that, Potter? I've stolen your favorite drawing!" (Act 1, Part 8)

"Goyle, paste it!" (Act 1, Part 8)

"You wait till my father hears about this. He'll say, 'Draco, you goddamn little poofer! Why don't you stop your whining and learn to use the potty like a normal human!' And then he will pull down my diaper, and scold me for the mess I've left in it, and spank my cheeks as red as cherries." (Act 1, Part 8)

"You know, Goyle, using the potty is not so bad. I don't know why I was afraid of it all those years. I think I was concerned about falling in, but I have found that if I climb on top of the potty and I put one foot on either side of the potty hole rim, and get a firm footing, I'm actually quite safe. And you know, using the potty is a great time to socialize! You simply look over to the stall next to you, and you say, have a right chat with your neighbor. 'Oh, hello there, good sir. First time using the potty, too, eh? Good luck, my man.' Then you simply squat, like so, and I do my business... in my diaper as usual... and then I undo the side latches, and let the diaper simply fall into the potty. Yes, father will hear of this."

"How do you expect me to use a potty? I could fall into that monstrosity." (Act 1, Part 8)

"It's-ah mah daddy! Daddy! Daddy! You came to love me!" (Act 1, Part 13)

"Daddy! Look! I drew you a picture! It's me on the potty! And, look, that's you in the background and you're saying, 'That's my son!' And then the potty's saying, 'Thank you, Draco! Even potties need to eat!' And there's shading on your hair." (Act 1, part 13)

"In case you were wondering *rolls out from behind pillar and stands up* The 'D' stands for my wiener." (Act 2, Part 6)

"Got a problem, Weasley?" (Act 2, Part 6)

"I hope you're wearing your diapers...'cause you're going to shit your pants!" (Act 2, Part 10)

"Oh, Dobby. Now I lament all those times I beat him senseless within an inch of his life and oh, right, yeah, that one time I drowned a litter of his young...my...brothers?"

"Oh, right. You're that girl who was mysteriously absent from our second year. Would you like to come live in the centaur village with me?" (Act 2, Part 13)

Professor Snape

"I would like to take this opportunity to announce the Hogwarts Astronomy Club. This year we will be paying particularly close attention to the cycles of the moon... and their effects on a certain professor." (Act 1, Part 5)

"What the devil? It's a BBM from Umbridge! 'Are you with Dumbledore? Did he get my text?' Now you've dragged ME into this?!" (Act 1, Part 13)

"SIRIUS BLAAACK! SIRIUS BLAAA- oh, checkmate! SIRIUS BLAAAACK!" (Act 1, Part 15)

"He was spotted by the paintings on the third floor. The dogs playing poker peed on the carpet. The Screaming Man never looked more terrified. It took the entire last supper to calm him down!" (Act 1, Part 15)

"Look at my face, Remus. Do I look happy to you? ...Lupin got fired, Lupin got fired!" (Act 2, Part 1)

"As much as i would love to see some of these bastards beaten *points to Harry* ... it's against the rules," (Act 2, Part 2)

"Where did the poster of Headmaster Zefron go?!" (Act 2, Part 4)

"What do you want, you horrid bitch?" (Act 2, Part 4)

"Hey Lupin, want to go look at the full moon with me? Haha, zombie!"

"What the devil is going on here!?" (Act 1, Part 4)

"That's absuuuurd!"

"Attention all Hogwarts students! In celebration of All Hallows Eve, we will be taking a field trip to Hogsmeade. Please go out on the courtyard with your signed permission form. Students without their permission forms will be killed. Just kidding! But they won't be allowed to go and it's going to be a whole lot of fun!" (Act 1 Part 9)

"I have a dilemma. I promised Dumbledore that I would protect the school, but the thing is, Potter... I hate you. I hate you so much. You know what I mean? But, it’s not fair, really, ‘cause it’s your dad is who I hated. And I was in love with your mum, but I had a butt-trumpet. My butt went, POOT POOT, POOT POOT, POOT POOT. And she chose him over me! You know how that is? It pisses me off; I mean, really. It fuckin' pisses me off. I was there for her, y’know? And when she needed someone, I was there, waiting, like a tool! 'Oh, we’re gonna snog now? OK. What about now? Well, I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever, like a tool!' And, just one time... just one time, I wanted to take your mum's... boobies... and put them on my face... and go BRRRBRBRBRBBRBRRR. Waaait, Potter -- what I’m trying to say is that I’m torn up and if you go in there, you’re gonna be in big trouble... oh, screw you.
"

"I can tell just by not talking to you that you're a no good good-for-nothing no good like your father."

"Dolores Jane Umbridge will hereby replace Albus Dumbledore as headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry... That's bullshit!"

Professor Lupin

"Wait, was I drinking piss?" (Act 1, Part 3)

"I'm not homeless... anymore." (Act 1, Part 3)

"Oh, shit! You guys are kids! I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards. I-I'm sorry. Shoot. I gotta watch my damn mouth around you little bastards." (Act 1, Part 3)

"I've said it before, Snape, and I'll say it again. You always have been and you always will be...a BUTT TRUMPET. You know why? Because YOU'VE got a trumpeting BUTT!" (Act 1, Part 4)

"Ha! Who looks stupid now? You do." (Act 1, Part 4 & Part 14)

"Ugh! I just threw up in my mouth! Hey, who let Boo Radley on the field? Beat it, Herman! I'm NOT kidding." (Act 1 part 7)

"There's no way we're losing to Slytherin, or Ravenclaw, or...Jigglypuff." (Act 1, Part 7)

"I'll ignore that some of you are late...if you ignore that I'm the latest." (Act 2, Part 1)

"Umbridge, that textbook is like a thousand years old! It still refers to Dementors as Ringwraiths." (Act 2, Part 1)

Harry: "Well here you can have your map back."
Lupin: "Aw thanks Harry. I'll use it as a blanket, or a house, now that I'm unemployed and homeless." (Act 2, Part 2)

"Well, he put up a fight, but he's dead now." (Act 2, Part 8)

"Probably the work of that infamous...Hogwarts...jaguar. He's caused a lot of property damage... especially in my office. *coughs* Lupin shouldn't have to pay for that! Ahh, yes, who said that?" (Act 2, Part 13)

Snape: "That's absurd!"
Lupin: "You're absurd!"
Snape: "What! Say that again to my face."
Lupin: "You're absurd!"
Snape: "That's absurd!"

"That infamous Hogwarts jaguar... bless his soft, adorable paws that he trips over when he starts running too fast."

Albus Dumbledore

"Sit down, Malfoy ya little shit!" (Act 1, Part 5)

"Didn't you grow up into a sexy little bitch like your father!" (Act 1, Part 6)

"When you yell it only makes Sirius want to kill you faster!" (Act 1, Part 15)

"Gay as the Fourth of July...oh you mean the hat."

"Oh Scarfieee.."

"I think I'm missing a water element!"

"Well if it isn't Harry fucking Potter" (Act 1, Scene 6)

"In case you were wondering, the D stands for my weiner"

Lucius Malfoy

"Yes I know. He marries Ginny. They live happily ever after. There is literally no way to move forward from this point." (Act 1, Part 1)

"How DAAAAAAARE you!" (Act 1, Part 14)

"And you're going to do that stiff arm movement that you're so fond of, and you two, you're going to do this...yes, it's going to feel goofy but it's going to look so f***ing good." (Act 2, Part 7)

"Oh my god, Umbridge, stop texting me!" (Act 2, Part 7)

"Drah-co, you danced!" (Act 2, Part 11)

"Your irrational fear of the potty... Why else would you have such a little D? IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A F***ING ELF!" (Act 2, Part 11)

"It was someone I trusted, someone I may have even loved... DOBBY." (Act 2, Part 11)

Firenze

"Yes, it sounds like a funny problem...but it's actually not." (Act 1, Part 12)

"Finally I may have found someone powerful enough to survive coitus with the centaurs! I shall take her back to my tree village, and tonight the centaurs will make celebrationne! With dancing, song, music, and much coitus." (Act 2, Part 12)

"This must be the emotion you humans know as blood... I'm bleeding."

"'Where are you? I miss my little pony. Less than three.' Oh, a heart!"

Sirius Black

"We used to use it to play jokes on Snape...and we would solve mysteries and shit." (Act 1, Part 16)

"Touchdown." (Act 2, Part 8)

"Rule number one, boys. You never tell a girl that you like her. It just makes you look like an idiot." (Act 2, Part 9)

"Harry, I...am...homeless. Can I live with you?" (Act 2, Part 13)

Seamus Finnigan

"One time a Dementor kissed her. And. It. Died." (Act 1, Part 5)

"Did you guys 'ear the one 'bout Sirius Black an' Flitwick's little brotha? So, Flitwick's little brotha's walkin' down the streets of London, and Sirius Black, he's in this STORM DRAIN...dressed as a CLOWN. And he's like, "Yo! Heyyy! Flitwick's little brotha! Down here in this storm drain! It's me! A clown!" And Flitwick's little brotha's like, "Yeah, chap? Whatchu want?" And Sirius Black's like "Ohhhhh, Flitwick's little brotha! You gotta get down here in the storm drain with me 'cause you're. missin'. out! We've got a carnival down 'ere! We got loads of cotton candy and balloons!" And the kid practically flips, he goes, "I gotta get down there... that sounds like a right treat, that does!" So he reaches down his arm right... but Sirius Black... he grows these mad teeth... AND HE BITES THE KID'S HEAD OFF! And two days later... that kid died." (Act 1, Part 11)

"Oliver Wood once lost a quaffle in there. He went back in to get it... AND HE NEVER CAME OOOOUUUUT!!!" (Act 1, Part 11)

"BLOODY SHIT!" (Act 1, Part 11)

"She's cancelled Quiddich, got rid of the trips to Hogsmeade, got rid of the feast, painted over the paintings and now she's got the Ghostbusters breathing down Nearly Headless Nick's Nearly Headless Neck." (Act 2, Part 1)

Goyle

"Who dares disturb my slumber?!"

"Well you know what I think? I think I need some chamomile before my slumber!" (Act 2, Part 1)

Cho Chang

"Too bad you were joking, Professor, because I could have been your greatest adventure." (Act 2, Part 1)

"Not to mention she has cancelled the annual Valentine's Day Feel 'er Up dance and replaced it with a nasty old abstinence rally! How am I supposed to remain abstinent when I got a reputation to maintain?!... Professor Flitwick is gonna fail me now!"

Professor Umbridge

"If I catch you with any boys or alcohol, I'll RIP your perky li'l boobs off!" (Act 1, Part 6)

"IT`S UMBRIDGE, YOUR MAMA!!!" (several times)

"Rule number one: no boys...unless they're cute. Rule number two: no alchohol...unless there's plenty to go around! And rule number three: no parties. UNLESS UMBRIDGE IS INVITED! *Umbridge laugh*" (Act 1, Part 6)

Umbridge: With Dumbledore gone, guess who gets to be the headmaster now? Snape: Me? Ron: Snape?

Umbridge: No! Me! Yo mama! Now things around here are gonna be changed! We'll do things my way! We're going to be doing things THE UMBRIDGE WAY" (Act 1 Part 16)

Mama Umbridge: I heard that Harry Potter saying behind yous back that you was a chubby little f*****. Umbridge: But I am a chubby little f*****!

"So very very sad-hungry! " (Act 2 Part 4)

"Yeah! Then I get back my boyfriend Dumbledore! He's really sweet. He's probably out buying me presents. I'm going to find and crush that criminal." (Act 2, Part 4)

"Did you get my text? Well you didn't text me back"

"Remember that time? When you wouldn't talk to me? No you wouldn't talk to me yesterday.

We were gettin' along! We had that little dance-y thing! Well here's a song I sing my way,

It was gonna be fine. But you didn't wanna be, be the man who'd be with me-- no way.

But now you sayin' it's time-- Why you gotta be like that? I don't like the way you act round me.

So baby come on, come on...

Oh don't you tell me to go, and say "I'm the one," d-d-do you think I'm dumb? Sorry- did I just stutter?

Won't tell you what you know, but this is the end... You were never my friend, you were never my-- you were never my lover!

Remember that night? When I saw you tremblin' there? I remembered, "I don't care," 'bout you.

I'm rememberin' how you thought you were at the top, well I think we're better off without you!

And I got your number-- and I don't mean in my phone; would've already just thrown it out, if I'd known about the way you'd bitch and moan,

remember that way-- how you were way outta line? Well now you're way outta time! So tell me what you want on your tombstone!

Come on, come on...

Oh don't you tell me to go, and say "I'm the one," we're dur-dur-dur done! 'Scuse me, did I just stutter?

Won't tell you what you know, but this is the end... You were never my friend, you were never my-- you were never my lover!

It's too bad you a loser. Too bad you waste my time. Good thing that I'm around to keep your ass in line!

...You were never my-- you were never my lover!" (Act 2 Part 9)

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