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A collection of some of the funniest quotes from A Very Potter Musical, sorted by character.

Harry Potter

"I don't know, man. Cedric Diggory, he's pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! I'm totally gonna win, it's in the bag!" (Act 1, Part 4)

"Yeah, Hermione, I'm the boy who lived. Not died. God." (Act 1, Part 4)

"What are you, nuts? Beautiful? More like supermegafoxyawesomehot! She's the hottest girl I've ever met. She's far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl. That I know. In my immediate group of friends." (Act 1, Part 6)

"It was left to me by my dad, my dad that's dead. My father is dead. I have a dead father." (Act 1, Part 6)

"Oh my God, I have to fight a goat? I don't think I can do that morally... *later* Oh my god I have to fight a dragon! I can't do that I'm just a little kid!" (Act 1, Part 7)

"I don't know, Cedric, someone punched me in the face and my sense of direction got a little goofed up!" (Act 1 Part 12)

"You're like this guy, that's just-- around, all the time, when I don't need a guy around. You're this spare guy, all the time, this spare dude. You're SUCH a SPARE!" (Act 1, Part 13)

"Oh my wizard god!" (Act 1, Part 13)

"I don't know Cerdric, you're a Hufflepuff why don't you FIND out." (Act 1, Part 13)

"I don't want my life to be like Spiderman 3, I hated that movie." (Act 2, Part 1)

"Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not going to do that." (Act 2, Part 5)

"It's because he's dead you dumb motherfu…" (Act 2, Part 7)

"There's only one thing to do: I have to die. I love you all... except you Draco. I can't f***ing stand you." (Act 2 Part 7)

Harry & Ron: "Thanks Hermione." (Too many times to count)

Ron Weasley

"That's Lavender Brown! RACIST SISTER!" (Act 1, Part 2)

"OH MY GOD. Hermione, shut up." (Act 1, Part 4)

"Accio Double Stuf!" (Act 1, Part 9)

"Maybe you'll just have to fight like Mushu from Mulan or something..." (Act 1 Part 9)

"Ugh, this competition is gonna suck...all these dragons are wimps...Accio Doublestuf....OHMIGOD MONSTER! Is that yours? Ohmigod, it's awesome, let me hold it." (Act 1 Part 9)

"It's just every time I look at her I get pains in my chest, and I just know it's her fault, that bitch...!" (Act 2 Part 1)

"That is a BOSS Zefron poster." (Act 2, Part 3)

"You guys, go get snacks. Oh shit, we barricaded the door." (Act 2, Part 8)

Hermione Granger

"If I had an invisibility cloak I'd use it so I'd never have to face my own reflection in the mirror." (Act 1, Part 6)


"You know, I used to think looks weren't important and now I think they're more important than anything." (Act 1, Part 12)

"Actually I have heard those things, Harry, about a thousand times, but never have they been told to me with so much sass. Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday." (Act 2, Part 1)

Ginny Weasley

"You're Harry Potter! You're the Boy Who Lived!" (Act 1 Scene 2)

"Konichiwa Cho Chang it is good to meet you I am Ginny Weasley"...."BITCH I AIN'T CHO CHANG!" (Act1 scene 2)

"It's Ginevra." (Act 1 Scene 2)

"Oh my Rowling! What happened Harry Potter?" (Act 1 Scene 14)

Draco Malfoy

"Did someone say 'Draco Malfoy?!'" (Act 1, Part 2)

"Am I bleeding?"- Several Occasions

"Ha Oh, I've finally beaten you didn't I Potter! What do you say to that huh? I'm the champion this time!" (Act 1, Part 3)

"GO HOME TERRORIST!" *To Quirrell* (Act 1, Part 3)

"Dumbledore? Pfft! What an old coot! He's nothing like Rumbleroar. Rumbleroar is the Headmaster at Pigfarts. He's a lion. Who can talk." (Act 1, Part 4)

"Hahaha, hahaha. Now you're just being cute. I can't GO to Pigfarts, Potter. It's ON MARS. You need a rocketship. Do you have a rocketship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. Look at this! Look at this! It's Rocketship Potter! Starkid Potter! Moonshoes Potter! Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!" (Act 1, Part 4)

"All right, well I'm not surprised. C'mon, let's go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!" (Act 1, Part 4)

"Do you know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? Hermione Granger. You know what I'd give her on a scale of one to ten, with one as the ugliest and ten as the prettiest? I'd give her an 8... 8.5... or a 9... but not... NOT over a 9.8. Because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone is perfect, like me. I'm holding out for a 10. Because I'm worth it." (Act 1, Part 7)

"Kiss the planet goodbye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts are you?" (Act 2, Part 1)

"Andyouhavetobemyslaveforawholedaystartingnow" (Act 2, Part 2)

"I WANT HERMIONE GRANGER! And a rocketship..." (Act 2, Part 3)

"How did you idiots get captured? You were invisible!" (Act 2, Part 6)

"Come on, I'm tired. Can't we just be Death Eaters?" (Act 2, Part 9)

"If this homemade Dark Mark won't convince you..." (Act 2, Scene 2)

"Squirt?? Never mind, I'll stay dehydrated." (Act 1, Part 11)

"Not so tough now are you, potter? Maybe you should hang out with someone better then that lolly gagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend." (Act 1, Part 4)

"Pigfarts, Pigfarts, Here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts, Yum, Yum, Yum..." (Act 2, Part 2)

Gregory Goyle

"No. Only quiet. Maybe... one rain drop." (Act 1, Part 7)

"Oh, Goyle rules!" (Act 1, Part 10)

"Ssssssssssss!!!!!!!" ( Act 1, part 3)

"That sucked royal hippogriff. I can't believe we got beat by a girl who's a nerd." (Act 1, part 4)

"I can't believe I couldn't figure out the countercurse was just 'Unjellify.'" (Act 1, part 4)

"I would feed myelf to Aragog's children for that cup!" (Act 1, part 5)

"RUMBLEROAR!" (Act 2 Part 8)

"DANCING IS FOR PANSIES." (Act 1 Part 10)

Cedric Diggory

"Cho Chang, / I am so in love / with Cho Chang. / From Bangkok to Ding Dang, /I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!" (Act 1, Part 2)

"Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders." (Act 1, Part 3)

"FIND!" (Act 1, Part 3)

Cedric: "I don't FIND this suprising at all." (Act 1, Part 3)

"So many regrets...I'm dead!" (Act 1, Part 13)

"Hey, Harry! I think I FOUND something!" (Act 1, Part 13)

Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thoms Riddle... Riddle me this, eh, Potter? (Act 1, Part 13)

Cho Chang

"Well chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it, y'all!" (Act 2, Part 9)

"That's all right! I'm Cho Chang, y'all!" (Act 1, Part 2)

"Oh my gawd, I won! Can you believe that y'all!" (Act 1, Part 3)

Albus Dumbledore

"So basically, I've being putting everyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, a bad guy into Slytherin and the others can go wherever the hell they want." (Act 1, Part 3)

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?" (Act 1, Part 3)

"Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting. 20 more points. God... for the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points to Dumbledore!" (Act 1, Part 3)

"Are you kids ready to fight a DRAAAAGON? Of course you aren't, you're just children - what the hell am I thinking?" (Act1, Part 9)

"Puff the Magic Dragon, Figment the Imaginary Dragon, The Reluctant Dragon, And for you, Potter... the Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying thing you'll ever see in your whole life!" (Act 1, Part 9)

"Mrs. Granger, you have to have learned by now that when one of you has gots a problem, all three of you has gots a problem. What would Zac Efron say at a time like this? 'We're all in this together...'" (Act 2, part 3)

"Malfoy, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"


Snape: "And the dragons have all been set for feeding time"

Harry: "Did he just say dragon??"

Snape: "Did you just say, 'Did he just say dragon?'"

Dumbledore: "I must have, because anyone else hiding in this room would have known to SHUT UP, Potter" (Act 1, Part 7)

Professor Snape

"What the devil is going on heeerre?" (Too many instances to cite)

"And remember, a portkey can be a seemingly harmless object, like... a football, or... a dolphin." (Act 1, Part 3)

[in response to "Can a person be a portkey?"] "No, that's absurd. Because then if a person were to touch themselves... (stares at Ron) ...they would constantly be transported into different places." (Act 1, Part 3)

"Ahhh, ginger!" (Act 1, Part 10)

"Good! I'll be in the drawing room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces." (Act 2, Scene 2)

"Malfoy, you coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!" (Act 2, Part 3)

"My wiiiieeeneeerrrrrr!" (Act 2, Part 6)

"Why, that's absurd." (too many times to count)

"Brought to you by Cookie Crisp." (The Potion Masters Corner with Joey Richter)

"Sit down, you inarticulate bumble. It's Harry Potter." (Act 1, Part 3)

"What the devil is going on heerree? Woah, deja vu, I'm sorry. eeeee?" (Act 2, Part 6)

"I saw it on the internet. It's definitely real." (The Potion Masters Corner)

Lord Voldemort

"You gotta roll over, I can't sleep on my tummy." (Act 1, Part 5)

"Well, I believe everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods have their place. And so do your clothes. Namely, A DRESSER!" (Act 1, Part 5)

"Yes, I know, Quirrell! I hear everything you hear!" (Act 1, Part 7)

"When I rule the world, I'll have...SNAKES" (Act 1, Part 5)

"Quirrel, maaaaaan, liiiiisten!" (Act 1, Part 7)

"Quirrell, we are going to get you laid." (Act 1, Part 7)

"When I had a body, I had mad game with the bitches... Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange!" (Act 1, Part 7)

"'Cause usually I just kill people who try to get me to open up...oops. " (Act 1, Part 8)

"I'm as happy as a squirrel / Long as I'm with Mr. Quirrell" (Act 1, Part 8)

"You know Quirrell, I've really grown attached to you... no pun intended." (Act 1, Part 10)

"It's like that movie 'She's All That!' Remember? We watched that together." (Act 1, Part 14)

"Ughh...now two people are mad at me!" (Act 2, Part 2)

"Can't? TEASE!" (Act 2, Part 2)

"What do you want with a rocketship? What business do you have on Mars?" (Act 2, Part 2)

"No, I called you a squirrel... I called you a squirrel." (Act 2, Part 4)

"Voldemort out, bitches." (Act 2, Part 7)

"Hey, you." (Act 2, Part 9)

"And you think killing people will make them like you, but it doesn't... It just makes them dead." (Act 2, Part 9)

"Quirrell, 'ok' is wonderful!" (Act 2, Part 9)


Quirrel: So you came back?

Voldy: I came home!"

Quirrel: *bites fist* (Act 2, Part 9)


"Kill the spare!" (Act 1, Part 13)

"I'M GONNA FIND HARRY POTTER AND I'M GONNA PISS IN HIS MOUTH!" (Act 2, Part 1)

Professor Quirrell

"Now aren't we an odd couple?!?" (Act 1, Part 5)

"When I rule the world I'll plant flowers!" (Act 1, Part 5)

"...And Jane Austen novels!!!" (Act 1, Part 5)

"And you have no friends, hey that's a surprise!" (Act 1, Part 5)

"No, I didn't see the end because YOU were watching it while you were on the back of my head sucking my soul!'" (Act 1, Part 14)

"Dead?! -skips imaginary rock-" (Act 2, Scene 9)

"Is 'ok' good?" (Act 2, Scene 9)

Dumbledore: "Did your turban just sneeze?" Quirrell: "What...no...that was simply a fart" *Voldemort sneezes again* "I simply farted once more." (Act 1 Part 3)

Goyle("as a death eater")

Death Eater: "I wish that I could say that it was me, because I feel that I love Zefron the most... but it was definitely a voice coming from within this room." (Act 2, Part 3)

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